CROSSING (in memory of Duday)

all day long
staring on
the remains of
a battle
long fought
but never won.

walking on
the streets
paved by yesterday
that carries my feet
only to be lost
again.

reaching out
not for help but to guide
my blurry path
taking short strides
at a time
while i still can.

gathering only
the invaluable debris
of memories
which i will carry
with me
as i cross
the avenue of time.

waking up
from an ever recurring
dream
of leaving
and living alone
casting away
all the world.

running away
not from pain
but from the pitiful eyes
looking through me
as if
eating away
my very soul.

i want no pitty
i ask only for
memories
from you,
which i will carry
in my purse;
from me,
which i will leave you
like a rose.


i composed this for my friend. si duday. she's been a long-time friend. i've known her since grade school days. we went to almost all the same schools. sya yung friend ko na friend din ng lahat. we had our own set of friends, di ko friendship ung ibang friends nya, at ung ibang mga friends ko di nya rin friendship. but we were still friends. sa totoo lang, sya lang ung nagsabi sa kin ng linyang 'to, which came from a song actually, "if i had only one friend left, i want it to be you." as for her, sabi nya, ako rin lang daw ung nasabihan nya nun. sweet di ba. we went to the same university pursuing different courses. we graduated the same day. si fvr pa nga ung guest speaker namin. di ba bigatin kami, presidente ng pilipinas ang guest speaker namin. in short we parted ways and never heard from each other for a long time.

many moons have passed, many christmases went by. maraming nangyari. till napadpad ako dito sa lugar na ito kung saan ang mga tao ay gumagamit ng dalawang piraso ng stick tuwing kumakain. sa tulong ng modern technology, nagkaron ako ng balita ulit sa kanya. balitaan. catching up on lost times. chikahan to the max. nakaubos ako ng dalawang call card at sumuko ang battery ng cellphone ko sa haba ng usapan namin na bitin pa rin. pero sa halip na dapat matuwa ako, nalungkot ako. hindi ko inaasahan ang nabalitaan ko. she was sick. kidney. at ang masaklap, nag-da-dialysis na sya. my uncle works as a dialysis technician. sabi nya pag ang pasyente daw dina-dialysis na, hindi na daw un tatagal. kumbaga, nagbibilang na sya ng mga araw nya. at ginagamit nya na lang na "extension" ng buhay nya ung dialysis.

i was supposed to be happy. i was supposed to be glad. well i am glad, i am happy kasi nagkaron ako ulit ng balita sa kanya. ang kaso, bakit ganon. actually, that's the one word that i uttered after we talked. WHY? bakit sya? anong ginawa nya? she's such a good person. bata pa sya. magkasing-edad lang kami. she's not even married yet. paulit-ulit un. WHY? WHY? WHY? BAKIT?

i never really knew the answer to that. all i know was she was trying very hard to show me that she's ok. she's so brave enough to show me that she's not suffering, that she's ok, that she can handle it. but i know beneath all that bravery and courage, she's suffering so bad. i wanted to give her a hug. i wanted to show her i could help. pero hindi un ang gusto nya. ayaw nyang makita na ung mga tao sa paligid nya ay naaawa sa kanya. she doesn't want pity. she doesn't want to feel helpless. and she doesn't want them to think that she's helpless. she want them to think that she's just as normal as the next person. she was even named as "the energizer bunny" kasi daw she always keeps on going and going and going and going. parang hindi daw napapagod. i was so inspired by her. by her courage. she knows what's going to happen, yet she still has the courage to face each day the way she's supposed to. sabi nya, noon daw nagtanong na rin sya kung bakit sya, kung ano daw bang malaking kasalanan nya, kung may nagawa daw ba sya. pero hindi rin daw sya sinagot. what she did na lang daw is to make the best of what she still has left. she wanted to be remembered.

i will never forget her. how could i when her birthday is on the eve of mine. and the inspiration i got from her made me compose this poem. it's not that good i know, baduy pa nga e. but it's for her. when i made that, i thought i was talking about her. pero the more i read it now, i think it's not just for her after all. it says more about me. it's like she came to me in a time when i think she's weak. but looking back now, she came to me in a time when the weak one was me and she was like a mirror. i don't need to see the reflection that my eyes can see. it's what's inside that i should be looking at. and i didn't know that until now... now that she's gone. now that she went to follow the light. now that she's crossed to the other side.

she passed away a couple of years ago. hindi na kami nagkita. hindi na kami nagkaron ng pagkakataong magkita. nung huli kaming nagkita, nararamdaman kong nahihirapan na sya. di tulad noon. nararamdaman ko sa boses nya na hirap na hirap na sya ngayon. hindi nya na naitago yun. pero hindi ako nagtanong. hindi ko rin pinansin. kasi mas nasasaktan ako. nalaman ko na lang ung pagpanaw nya mula sa isang dating classmate. she went to follow the light. she went to a place where i cannot follow. not yet. but i will never forget her. sana lang hindi nya rin ako makalimutan. sana lang kilala nya pa rin ako pag nagkita kami ulit. sana lang magkita pa rin kami ulit.

CREMAINS

don't think about what
is ruined and lost.
think about the wind.
how it carries rose and pine
and underneath, death
and under that, the smell of mourning,
of contempt and relief.
embraces. forgiveness.
how i would love to wrap
them in contempt, pine and rose.
no.
live in details.
listen.
the sound of impatience and awe
and a voice...
someone's here
inside the realm of the senses.
rustling. stiff.
smells of incense, of piety
holier than thou.

crumbled host. inexpensive wine.
his body. his blood.
it's all ashes.
forget the big picture.
concentrate on the details.
forget meaning.
don't think about why.
nothing to do with the remains of
my life bid burn it all.
burn the details.
it burns like anything else.
horror. disgust. pity.
no, think small.
don't think, don't care.
wet wind, freezing
on my cheeks.
take life by the inch.
forget the long mile.
evens the odds a bit.

BANGUNGOT

habang patuloy kang naglalakbay
at humahabi ng mga hibla ng mga sandali,
ang mga hubad na paa'y
nagdurugo
sa bawat tinik na nadaraanan,
ngunit di alintana
ang sakit at hapdi na dulot,
dahil ang gunita
ay abala
sa panandaling ligayang
hatid ng mga matang
binulag ng liwanag nitong mundong
puno ng paglilinlang at pagpapanggap.

habang patuloy kang lumalakad,
hila ang mga tanikalang
nakapulupot sa mga paa
at ang katawa'y nabibihisan
ng mga sapot ng pagkukunwari,
sa kaibuturan
ng iyongp uso,
isang pangarap ang nabubuo,
na balang araw
ay muling makalalakad
na hindi natatakot,
hindi nasasaktan,
hindi napapagal,
at muling lalaya.

at habang patuloy kang nangangarap,
patuloy ring hinihila
ng kumunoy
ang mga tanikalang
nakapulupot sa mga duguang paa;
patuloy ring nagdidilim ang paningin
sa liwanag
na bumubulag sa mga mata,
gawa ng panlilinlang at kapalaluan
ng mundong
pinili mong galawan;
wala ka nang kawala,
di ka na makakatakas,
huli na marahil ang lahat
dahil ayaw mong kalagan ang sarili
at ayaw mong bumitaw;
pinili mong malunod.
huli na talaga ang lahat.
paano ka pa lalaya
sa bangungot pinipilit mong
maging katotohanan
at sa katotohanang
ngayon ay isa nang
bangungot.

Untitled 001

I keep asking myself things
Many things, great things
How come, what is
Where are, when is
How does, what if.

I keep looking for reasons
But always I find none.
I keep searching for meaning
But the quest just always left me asking.

Everywhere I go
Confusion.
Every touch, each move
Complication.
Even the simplest of words
Holds no definition.

I am always wandering
Kept walking and running
Going from place to place
But never ever staying.

I've grown weary of thinking
And never have an understanding.
I'm so fed up with searching
And never find even one thing.
I'm so tired of wandering
Off to a place
Where no one is even waiting.

Abou Me...

The first three entries I wrote here I would like to call my prologue. They don't really mean anything. Kumbaga, testing lang un. Now, maybe it's time I take this thing seriously. After all, this is what I've been longing for. Yung magkaron ako ng sarili kong mundo where I can live myself the way I've always wanted it. And a place where all my creations will dwell. And a place where I can be me.

I'm not really good with words. But I've always have a liking to reading, and I've done my share of writing in the past. I've always wanted to share it with other people but I'm always afraid I'd be rejected and they might not like my work. But now that I'm older and more mature (I think), it's time I show the world what I got and what I can do, and I don't give a damn about what they think. They can't do what I can. If they can and if they're better, I still don't care. I don't want to be better. I just want to be me, be myself. Because being me means being original. And that's what I want. To be original. Still, there's this little voice inside my that says, "I hope they'll like what I wrote." But then again, who cares.

Correction lang po....

Gaya nga ng sinabi ko, correction lang po...
Kasi ung sinulat ko kanina, ung sa song ni Mulan, kasi mali ata ung lyrics ko. E baka magalit sa akin ung mga nagsulat nung kanta, baka sabihin iniiba ko ung lyrics. Instead ng "why does my reflection show who I am inside", dapat pala "when will my reflection show who I am inside?" Pero gayun pa man, ano pa ring konek sa sinasabi ko kanina? Wala pa rin e.

What the....

Anong oras na? Hay, ang hirap matulog. Ang hirap gumawa ng tulog. Ang hirap magpanggap na tulog. At lalong mahirap kumbinsihin ang sarili mo na tulog ka. Sinasabi na nga kasi, hinay-hinay lang sa kape. Hindi ung ginagawang tubig ang kape. Tuloy anong oras na, dilat na dilat pa rin ang mata. Kung haharap nga ako sa salamin e tyak na matatakot na ako sa sarili kong reflection. Sabi nga ng kanta ni Mulan, "why does my reflection show who I am inside?" Teka, anong konek? Dahil lang ba may word na reflection kaya napunta kay Mulan? Aay... adik... Hala, itulog ko na lang kaya to 'no. Baka sakaling may mapala pa ako. E anong gagawin ko nga, hindi ako inaantok. Mamaya may pasok pa. Anong oras na. Yan kasi ang hirap, gaya-gaya kasi. Palibhasa may kakilala kang gumagawa ng blog, at alam mong nagpuyat din, ginaya na din at nagpuyat. At mas matindi kasi lumiwanag na sa paggagawa ng mga kung ano-anong hindi naman maintindihan. Kung sakali kayang may babasa ng ginawa kong ito, maintindihan kaya nya ang mga sinulat ko? Palagay ko, palagay ko lang ha, hindi nya maiintindihan...