CROSSING (in memory of Duday)

all day long
staring on
the remains of
a battle
long fought
but never won.

walking on
the streets
paved by yesterday
that carries my feet
only to be lost
again.

reaching out
not for help but to guide
my blurry path
taking short strides
at a time
while i still can.

gathering only
the invaluable debris
of memories
which i will carry
with me
as i cross
the avenue of time.

waking up
from an ever recurring
dream
of leaving
and living alone
casting away
all the world.

running away
not from pain
but from the pitiful eyes
looking through me
as if
eating away
my very soul.

i want no pitty
i ask only for
memories
from you,
which i will carry
in my purse;
from me,
which i will leave you
like a rose.


i composed this for my friend. si duday. she's been a long-time friend. i've known her since grade school days. we went to almost all the same schools. sya yung friend ko na friend din ng lahat. we had our own set of friends, di ko friendship ung ibang friends nya, at ung ibang mga friends ko di nya rin friendship. but we were still friends. sa totoo lang, sya lang ung nagsabi sa kin ng linyang 'to, which came from a song actually, "if i had only one friend left, i want it to be you." as for her, sabi nya, ako rin lang daw ung nasabihan nya nun. sweet di ba. we went to the same university pursuing different courses. we graduated the same day. si fvr pa nga ung guest speaker namin. di ba bigatin kami, presidente ng pilipinas ang guest speaker namin. in short we parted ways and never heard from each other for a long time.

many moons have passed, many christmases went by. maraming nangyari. till napadpad ako dito sa lugar na ito kung saan ang mga tao ay gumagamit ng dalawang piraso ng stick tuwing kumakain. sa tulong ng modern technology, nagkaron ako ng balita ulit sa kanya. balitaan. catching up on lost times. chikahan to the max. nakaubos ako ng dalawang call card at sumuko ang battery ng cellphone ko sa haba ng usapan namin na bitin pa rin. pero sa halip na dapat matuwa ako, nalungkot ako. hindi ko inaasahan ang nabalitaan ko. she was sick. kidney. at ang masaklap, nag-da-dialysis na sya. my uncle works as a dialysis technician. sabi nya pag ang pasyente daw dina-dialysis na, hindi na daw un tatagal. kumbaga, nagbibilang na sya ng mga araw nya. at ginagamit nya na lang na "extension" ng buhay nya ung dialysis.

i was supposed to be happy. i was supposed to be glad. well i am glad, i am happy kasi nagkaron ako ulit ng balita sa kanya. ang kaso, bakit ganon. actually, that's the one word that i uttered after we talked. WHY? bakit sya? anong ginawa nya? she's such a good person. bata pa sya. magkasing-edad lang kami. she's not even married yet. paulit-ulit un. WHY? WHY? WHY? BAKIT?

i never really knew the answer to that. all i know was she was trying very hard to show me that she's ok. she's so brave enough to show me that she's not suffering, that she's ok, that she can handle it. but i know beneath all that bravery and courage, she's suffering so bad. i wanted to give her a hug. i wanted to show her i could help. pero hindi un ang gusto nya. ayaw nyang makita na ung mga tao sa paligid nya ay naaawa sa kanya. she doesn't want pity. she doesn't want to feel helpless. and she doesn't want them to think that she's helpless. she want them to think that she's just as normal as the next person. she was even named as "the energizer bunny" kasi daw she always keeps on going and going and going and going. parang hindi daw napapagod. i was so inspired by her. by her courage. she knows what's going to happen, yet she still has the courage to face each day the way she's supposed to. sabi nya, noon daw nagtanong na rin sya kung bakit sya, kung ano daw bang malaking kasalanan nya, kung may nagawa daw ba sya. pero hindi rin daw sya sinagot. what she did na lang daw is to make the best of what she still has left. she wanted to be remembered.

i will never forget her. how could i when her birthday is on the eve of mine. and the inspiration i got from her made me compose this poem. it's not that good i know, baduy pa nga e. but it's for her. when i made that, i thought i was talking about her. pero the more i read it now, i think it's not just for her after all. it says more about me. it's like she came to me in a time when i think she's weak. but looking back now, she came to me in a time when the weak one was me and she was like a mirror. i don't need to see the reflection that my eyes can see. it's what's inside that i should be looking at. and i didn't know that until now... now that she's gone. now that she went to follow the light. now that she's crossed to the other side.

she passed away a couple of years ago. hindi na kami nagkita. hindi na kami nagkaron ng pagkakataong magkita. nung huli kaming nagkita, nararamdaman kong nahihirapan na sya. di tulad noon. nararamdaman ko sa boses nya na hirap na hirap na sya ngayon. hindi nya na naitago yun. pero hindi ako nagtanong. hindi ko rin pinansin. kasi mas nasasaktan ako. nalaman ko na lang ung pagpanaw nya mula sa isang dating classmate. she went to follow the light. she went to a place where i cannot follow. not yet. but i will never forget her. sana lang hindi nya rin ako makalimutan. sana lang kilala nya pa rin ako pag nagkita kami ulit. sana lang magkita pa rin kami ulit.